Elisa is a big baby and a complainer and really needs to stop it.

[Special Note:  Link to Dewey Beach Surf and Rescue is on home page - watch it on TruTV monday:  http://www.trutv.com/shows/surf_and_rescue/index.html] 

So by now, we all know that the Hokies lost to ECU, and the Redskins lost in an ugly game against the Giants.  Obviously, the little things that tend to cheer me in my dark princess times are not always so easy to find.  I mention this because I am in this really negative stupid place that is obviously an insult to my Lord, and NOT representing well.  Its like, we have these really awesome people who want to help us fix up the house for Nick, yet unless I can get a high paying job soon, its all moot, because we can’t afford to live in this big house.  And Mike works all the time now, and we don’t really agree on much these days, and the debt thing is not helping, and frankly I have never felt so alone in my life.  Pretty ridiculous since I have so many great friends who continue to support me in my seemingly neverending time of need.

Today, I am grateful because my good friend’s son, who suffers from serious heart ailments since birth (he is Nick’s age), had some positive tests and encouraging news today, and she shared her relief with me, in a really positive and authentic way, and that gives me strength.  Unless you are a mom, I just don’t believe you can understand how helpless and frightening an unknown future for your child is.  But once I write this, I realize, none of us know the future, we are all helpless, and God did not create us to live in a spirit of fear.    This world is filled with crazy stuff – blessings and madness.  But oh how I wish I could just see the blessings and block out the madness. This week has been especially hard because I am trying to get back into the working world, which means putting on my work voice and big brain, while trying not to be the buzzkill of the night (for example:  Hi Elisa!  Where have you been lately?  Who do you work for now?)  I mean, I’m just coming off, what is destined to be a failed startup that I co-founded (Sawteeth), we mortgaged the house so I could do it, and now, what little money we had left is all gone due to our current circumstances, and its just a constant reminder to me of how temporary everything is.  And I hate it. 

I have interviewed one potential caregiver for Nick, who I liked a lot, but we need to talk to some other folks, too.  Until I hire someone, though, its hard for Nick and I to move forward with work/school/etc.  I spend way too much time worrying about this and forgetting that God got us this far - of course He will find us the perfect caregiver soon. 

I scheduled a trip to VA Tech in November so that Nick and I can visit the Services for Students with Disabilities (SSD) office so we can make a determination whether it is realistic for Nick to attend VT.  We are going to make a fun trip out of it, b/c on 11/6 Thursday ESPN game night is MD at VT, so we will head to the burg, praying for a Hokie victory but for some good plays by our favorite turtleboy, Austin, as he does his special teams thang on Lane Stadium field.  THen Friday we go to the SSD office for the interview.  Its so weird to think about going back to VT with Nick, when just over a year ago, he and I walked all over campus and talked about his future there, and now so much has changed.  But it’s the “new normal” right?  And it will be fun – Wendy will be coming too, and maybe we will get Lee Corso to wear a TeamNick shirt.  Or maybe we will save that for the UVa game, since tee-shirt girl is slumming it in Charlottesville now.   But I digress – see this is all of the meaningless stuff that seems to get me by day to day. 

A year ago, Brendan said that I wasn’t allowed to talk politics on this site.  And then, I got the lecture from Nick that this would not be a forum to share family secrets or strife.  So I won’t go into my struggles in my relationships with my family nor will I elaborate on my disobedience to God as I fear each next day.  But I will say this, I’m a McCain/Palin gal 100% and if you all want to add another page to argue these points, I say bring it on.   My consolation to the Redskins sorry opener (and don’t get me wrong, I LOVE the SKINS, and I am no fair weather fan – Nick and I will be at the game next Sunday with our handicapped parking and seats, and we might get to see our boys whoop up on the New Orleans Saints.)  Tomorrow is Nick’s first day at Kaiser Rehab for his new problem, the bursa/shoulder pain he has from the chair pushing and compensation.  We were spoiled at KKI – we shall see what our 4 approved visits can do for him.  I have spent this week on the phone with Medicaid administrators and Kaiser appt managers, doctors for me, Nick and Brendan, and with some luck and God’s grace, we will get through this week and next week with some progress on Nick’s physical ailments, get Brendan approved for 8^th grade healthwise, and I will get some counseling and hopefully join at least one bible study.  Because, without getting into some fellowship with some believers, I am afraid that I am going to, as Joe Gibbs said tonight at the Convention (surprise surprise – Coach is a Republican!) – when I veer from God’s game plan, there will be no victories.  And, I think I am due for some victory.  Now – not quite as due as John McCain is (Dear God – may it be your will for his service to our great country be rewarded by victory – but again I digress.) If this was my try-out for the book contract, I’m sure I would get the major rejection.  Its just me pouring out some stuff that if I don’t get out, I won’t be able to sleep, and tomorrow, with new rehab and Wayne Foley visiting later (which means I better clean up this embarrassing house he built before he gets here), I need to get some sleep. 

I want to thank Juls, Michelle (just jumping up and down with the Holy Spirit these days!), JoAnn, LB and Jack for their support this week and every week.  I promise you guys I will stop feeling sorry for myself.  I also want to thank DaveS who made me feel like I could be a “player” again, and thus has taken away some of my anxiety about work.  I promise this, when the time is right, I will be paying it all forward like no one has ever seen before.  I want to be the giver - not the receiver.  I am grateful, humble and excited to demonstrate my love for God, family, community and country in the months and years to come.

Please pray that Brendan has a great year at Cooper, we can get Nick some writing internships/work, our college search is fruitful and that we can find the right caregiver(s) for Nick so that I can make some money again, and dare I say, have a life of my own for a bit.  Yes – I am selfish – I want to stay in our beautiful house, I want B to graduate from Langley, I want to have some fun again, and I want something to look forward to.  What a freaking whiner I am.  But as I have said, things today are remarkably better than this time last year, and the Caffs continue to survive.  [Sidebar:  Did I ever tell you all about the Chicago trip when we were on the third floor of the Hampton Inn and the elevator died and Mike and some guy had to carry Nick down three flights of stairs, and then carry his chair?  Shout out to the nice Chicago man who helped out.  See, those can be funny stories in retrospect, but right now, I just can’t get over how much harder everything is for us.  Well, except parking – so we’ve got THAT going for us!]Thanks for listening.  Please pray that I can stop grieving the Holy Spirit by being so bitter about the people whose lives are so perfect and who have offended us (well – me – because nick doesn’t get offended by anything but bad calls in sports).  Please join me in my prayer that either this all gets easier, or I get better.  I thank you for your posts and emails and calls, and as long as you keep encouraging me to publish this stuff I will.   

By the way – if you got a spam email from Reunion.com from me – just ignore it.  Somehow it got my whole address book and now I’ve invited everyone who ever sent me an email an invitation to reunite with me.   I don’t recommend you do the same. 

Later,

The mentally unstable mamacaff